Cleaning out the Cobwebs of Memory

Memory is no better than fiction because of the nature of our mind. We remember selectively. Like the song says, "...things too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget." Memory becomes better or worse than the events we are recalling actually were.

I was stuck in the past. I romanticized it, fictionalized it, and dreamed about it. The truth is, no matter how good the past was, it is gone. It actually does not exist. I cannot go there. I cannot be there. The only place I can be is here, now.

People often look back a certain times of life and swoon over the simplicity of the good old days. College is a good example. Yes, there were some times that are quite memorable, but there are times that I don't want to remember. Like the time all I had to eat was a can of Veg-all because I had blown my food money at the mall. Or the time I saw my handsome boyfriend kissing his equally lovely blond ex-girlfriend outside of the cafe where I was eating lunch. The good old days, right.

I remember moments on the swing in the backyard at night, talking to my mother, as we both swung back and forth, when all the world seemed perfect. I could spend my whole life dredging up those times. The problem is doing so creates sadness. It is a time gone by. My mother is no longer here with me. I am not a child. Most importantly, when I am there, I am not here.

Oh, some will say that is a good thing, but it is not. Even back then there were troubled times, sad times, times when I cried so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Thinking about the good old days, will not stop life from coming at us full throttle. Being present makes life beautiful and because we are not lost in the past or fixated on the future, all of our attention is on what is happening right now. We can handle life if we just accept it as it is. Wishing it were different, hoping all the "bad stuff" would go away, just causes us to suffer. Why? Because no matter how hard we pray or try to stop life, it happens anyway.  All of it.

If I know that being here in this moment is the best possible place I can be to experience the fullness of life, then I have no need to look back. That is a story. This is reality. Reality only bites when we deny it. So that is where my sights are going to be set. On this moment.

If I ever do travel back in time, it will be a short trip. I don't want to miss a moment of what is in store for me right now.

Taking Life as It Comes

My worrying days started pretty early in life, yet I do remember moments as a child when only the present was visible to me. I remember one night, after a long day at the beach, swimming, playing in the sand, running, shouting over the sound of the surf and wind, heartily devouring my supper, I lay in bed, in the dark, with the window open, listening to the crashing waves, looking up and watching the white linen curtain blow softly as the breeze entered the room, tucked between the cool white cotton sheets, and feeling completely in love with the moment. Though I was young and in the dark, I felt no fear. I listened to the tide until my eyes got too heavy to open and fell into a serene sleep.

In those moments, all is well with the world, and, in the past, I wished I could hold onto them, but ultimately they slipped away, and I was back to worrying about the next moment. I didn't know then, or in the dozens of other times when I felt that everything was perfect, that those moments are available to me all the time. Every single moment has the potential for that dimension of bliss. It is simply presence.

So what about the time when I was riding my bicycle, no hands, enjoying a warm autumn afternoon after school, and my eyes transfixed upon the neighbor's maple tree in its full spender of fall colors, reds, oranges, and yellows, and suddenly found myself crashed upon the ground, elbows, knees and hands skinned and bloody from the fall? Perfection, too. That tree was so incredibly beautiful that I was lost for a moment in its colors, in its beauty. Yes, my wounds hurt, but I was more stunned and surprised about how it all happened so quickly, and to this day, I remember the moment just before the fall when I was just completely wrapped up in the beauty of that tree, the wounds long since healed.

It is hard to think of certain times in life, or to imagine events that might happen, when they involve pain and loss, as times of perfection. I would never have considered my mother's death as one of those times, and I, secretly, hoped she would live forever, or, at least, outlive me. There was the pain of the loss of her presence in my life because I talked to her on the phone almost every day. I shared my life with her. She was more than my mother, she was my friend. She always had my back, as they say. It felt good to have someone like that in my life, someone who was there through it all. But she did die. I was there when she took her last breath. Amazingly, I accepted her death, knowing that she was moving on without me. For months after that, I felt open and raw, not broken or defeated, but vulnerable like a tiny bird who has just flown out of its nest for the first time. The beauty that came out of her death was that I became immersed in paying attention to everything and everyone in my life. I appreciated life so much more. I felt my heart open and healing at the same time. My heart had broken open, and, as a result, it was bigger and capable of embracing more love.

The bottom line is not that "Shit happens" as the bumper sticker reads; it is that life is all encompassing. When we watch nature, we witness birth, pain and death, and we accept them, but when it comes to us, we try to fend off anything we perceive as painful, but we cannot. We might have pain, but we don't have to have suffering. We suffer when we don't accept the truth that life is. Natural disasters will always occur. People will make mistakes driving and hurt or kill someone. Others will be so wrapped up in their own pain, drowning themselves in alcohol and drugs, that they don't care who they hurt. But that is not all. The waves will still come to shore. The trees will turn to brilliant colors in the fall. Baby's will smile. It all happens. Wishing away the so-called "bad stuff" doesn't change this reality.

So we can embrace it all, feeling deep in our being that there is order in the universe, and we are a part of it, and in our acceptance of "what is" we live right now, which is the only time we truly have. No longer will we wish for this moment to be different than it is. We will take life as it comes, one moment at a time. That is where we will find peace.